I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
