I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm just crazy horny about you
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
