But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
