I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
