So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
