i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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