I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize