what day is it and did you see me today?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
