she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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