Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize