i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
