i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
