my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
