I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
