Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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