i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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