Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
please come you make the beer taste better
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize