at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
