I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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