Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Randomize