I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
