Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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