how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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