$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
