It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I need a beard to bite.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
