Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
