WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
