Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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