If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
