Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
