I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
