Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
