my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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