Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
