I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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