The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
