a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
