I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
