filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just gargled with NyQuil
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
