It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
