Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
