I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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