when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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