Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
