White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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