my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
