this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
