I skipped work to stalk him.
Just cropdusted the office
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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