I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
