You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
foreskin is a definite game changer
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
