I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i would punch a child for taco bell
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
