Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
