I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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