hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
