Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
