im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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