her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
