i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize