shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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