remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
