Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
