We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
